Sunday, July 31, 2011

Lets go outside

In the 12 years I've been sexually active, I've been engaged in various degrees of sex in lots of different places : on a bed, on the floor, on a chair, in a kitchen, in a lounge room, in a bath, in a shower, in a car, on a car, on a slide, on a swing, in a park, at a beach, waiting for a train and my personal favourite, at a zoo (watching Australian Fur Seals swim makes me horny).

For example, "Dave" and I have had sex outside on numerous occasions. Not only have Dave and I had a tendency of having sex outside, we also tend to get caught.

Many moons ago in the land of gay I went to Dave's birthday at his parent's house. Enough alcohol was consumed to kill a brown dog, naturally the hormones kicked in and Dave and I snuck off into the billiards room. He pushed me against the billiards table, pulled down my pants and proceeded to give me what would've been a good blowjob, except approximately 2 1/2 minutes later his best mate walked in. I found out later it was at that moment his best mate fully accepted that Dave was gay. So glad I could be part of the healing process. Given that we'd been busted but were determined to finish what we'd started, we decided to go somewhere private (note sarcasm). So we went out the front of the house. In the driveway. Then we had sex against a car facing the road. All was going well until the man across the road decided to pop out and mow the lawn. Fear not, there were no long faces in the burbs after that. Finally common sense prevailed and we scampered upstairs to his bedroom. About 30 minutes later I was provided with the best orgasm of that particular year.

Fast forward a couple of moons to a particular evening when Dave and I were walking home along one of St. Kilda and subsequently one of Melbourne's busiest streets. I had to stop and pee so went around a corner and did a quick slash and came back, at which time Dave said "but I didn't get to see it", so I got my dick out right there and then and showed him. Did anybody see, I hear you ask dear readers. It was 6pm on one of Melbourne's busiest thoroughfares. I'm guessing my penis is up there with Luna Park as a recognisable local identity.

A couple more moons after Dave and I were walking from catching up with mates to one of our favourite pubs and took a short-cut through a park. Hands got busy and before you know it fellatio was involved. It would've had to have been one of the most short-lived blowjobs in recorded history : a rather keen pedestrian walked up. Lets all have a moment's silence in honour of this poor man, I believe he nearly screamed. After he was gone there was no way I could continue. I was too busy on the ground laughing. 

Another example of sex outside happened with "Daniel". We'd been out with friends and were on our way home in a cab when Daniel asked "Are you horny? I am" and got it out right there and then. The things the man and women that drive those convenient yellow cars must see. Once we were inside, one of his friends was staying so we decided on the lounge room as the place for a little somethin' somethin'. This would've been an advantageous decision except we'd woken his flat mate on the way in who walked through to go to the bathroom. I was mortified, I had to have dinner with her the following night and there's only so long you can avoid eye contact with someone during an intimate dinner for 4. Daniel and I only had one option left :the concreted courtyard. It was sex outside and it was good sex, but it wasn't ALL good : it was on concrete and my knees bled for days. I don't recommend it.

One place I've never had sex is at a restaurant. Should you be an eligible sexy beau dining with me one night and I get all winky, I haven't developed crazy eye. That's a signal that means BATTLE STATIONS! Meet me out the back in 5 minutes.

Oh and I was joking about the fur seals.......

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